Contemplating Life
by Nimue47
Summary: Harm sits down and lets his mind wander after his conversation with Mattie (Spoilers for 9x21, HarmMac).


**Contemplating Life**  
  
Nimue47

May 9, 2004

E-mail: kathrynfgmx.net

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. JAG belongs to Paramount/Viacom. Not to me.  
  
Spoilers: 9x21  
  
Rating: PG-13 (probably more of a PG)

Summary: Harm sits down and lets his mind wander after his conversation with Mattie.

Author's Note: Thanks to Ala for kicking my butt while I should have been writing a lab report. Dedicated to Dae (thanks for the beta hon!!!) and Steph.

After the funeral, Harm was sitting on his couch, alone. At her request, Harm had let Mattie stay at her friend's house. For someone who claimed not to be able to deal with grief, Mattie was doing a very good job comforting her friend. She was just there for her and ready to listen. At times like these Harm realized that Mattie was a lot more grown up than she should be.  
  
His mind wandering, Harm remembered their rather unusual conversation that resulted in a confession he had never made before. How did she do it? How did his little girl manage what no one else had in the past seven years? He had tried to guide the conversation to safer topics but Mattie would have none of it.  
  
Yes, he loved Mac. He had for a very long time, but never once had he said it out loud – until now. "I love her," he whispered, then said it again, louder. It felt good, very good. Maybe he could try it slightly differently as well. "I love you, Mac," he whispered. No, that felt wrong, it sounded wrong. "I love you, Sarah." Better. Much better. "I am in love with you, Mac." Yes, that might work.  
  
Work, he wondered. Work? What exactly was he doing? It was not like he would tell Mac, would he? He did tell Mattie that they were working on their relationship. But were they really? Sarah MacKenzie and he were barely on speaking terms anymore. Granted, things had slightly improved to this point but they were still far away from what they used to be.  
  
He tried to blame Webb for the change. Why would she start something with that spook? Why did she say 'never' in the first place? And why did she never thank him for rescuing her? In a way, he was still in shock over everything that had happened the summer before. Shaking his head, he got up and started pacing the room.  
  
He knew it wasn't all her fault. He was to blame, too. What had he thought? That she would fall into his arms and confess her endless love to him? Yeah, sure. He should have told her then, back then when it hadn't yet been too late. What was he to do now? Tell her? "Hey Mac, do you have a minute? Look, I know we haven't exactly been on speaking terms lately and you are with Webb, but nevertheless I thought it might be nice for you to know that I am still here and that I love you." He snorted. Yeah sure, that would sit well with Mac. She'd probably kick him into the next century.  
  
Why did he even want to get it out all of a sudden? What was so wrong about keeping it quiet for a few more years? It was simple, really, he told himself, very simple, the date mattered a lot. It was May... only a few days till AJ's birthday. And a significant birthday it was. The big five. The day their deal would become null and void if he didn't show his intentions anytime soon.  
  
Yes, he would show them one way or another. There was no way he would give this opportunity of a life with Mac away. No way. He slumped back down on the couch. But how would he do it? Maybe he should ask Mattie about it, maybe he could make her tell Mac. Oh, great. A real proof of a man's courage. That way Mac would have to kick him into the century after the next one. Not a good idea.  
  
He didn't realize he had picked up the phone and dialed "1" on his speed- dial until her voice until her voice made him jump. "Harm?" When he didn't find the words at once, Mac went on. "Is everything alright, Harm? Is it Mattie? Harm, talk to me?"  
  
"Hi Mac," Harm finally managed, "do you have a minute?"  
  
"Harm, you scared me!" Mac scolded. "Is everything allright?"  
  
"Mattie is fine and I am, too, in a way."  
  
"Talk to me, flyboy. Something is bothering you and don't try to deny it."  
  
"Something is, actually. Mattie and I talked the other day about losses and I told her that she had to learn to cope with her mother's death because otherwise she would end up like me."  
  
"Like you?"  
  
"Yes, I never really coped with Dad's death and as a result I never let anyone close. I told her as much."  
  
"Harm, you let Mattie in your life..." Mac began.  
  
"She told me the same." He smiled.  
  
"...And you let me into your life, that must count for something!"  
  
"I told her it was the reason I never let you in, that I managed to ruin any chance at a relationship we ever had, because of my fears," Harm rambled.  
  
"That's not true, Harm," Mac insisted, "You are not the only one to blame, we both managed to blow it several times."  
  
"She also asked me if I loved you..." Harm began.  
  
"What did you answer?" Mac breathed.  
  
"I desperately tried to find a way out of that situation. But then I answered."  
  
He couldn't even hear Mac breathing anymore. Everything was silent on Mac's end of the phoneline.  
  
He took a deep breath. "Mac, I love you. But you know that, don't you?"  
  
"I wasn't sure, Harm, I was hoping you did, but I could never be sure," Mac whispered.  
  
"I love you, I think I always have. I thought you should know what your choices are. Mac, I want to make good on our deal. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I am willing to wait for you – as long as it takes."  
  
"Harm," Mac began.  
  
"Mac, tell me that I am not too late, tell me I haven't waited too long." Shaking his head at himself, he immediately corrected himself. "No, be honest. I can stomach the truth." At least he hoped he would be able to.  
  
"Harm, I... I need to make a phonecall. Can I come by afterwards?"  
  
"Mac you're killing me here," Harm whispered.  
  
"Harm, I have to do this the right way. I need to talk to Clay and explain to him why I am breaking up with him. I don't want anything between us when I tell you what you want to hear. Can you wait for me?"  
  
"I will wait as long as it takes, Mac, I will wait for you. I love you."  
  
"You are not making this any easier, flyboy." Mac's voice was thick with emotion as she disconnected the call.  
  
The next minutes seemed to drag into hours as he sat simply staring at the door, wishing it to open. Yet, he was afraid, scared to no end about what was to come. What if she didn't want him after all? What if she came barging through his door, telling him 'no way'? He tried to gulp down his fears, telling himself that if she was planning to shoot him down, she'd done so over the phone. There was no way she would have waited until she was face to face with him.  
  
The fog slowly cleared and gave way to wonder as he felt her lips on his. How could she have sneaked into his apartment without him ever realizing it? As she drew back, he smiled up at her. "Hi," he croaked out..  
  
"Hi there, where were you a moment ago? You looked so spaced out," she teased, cupping his face in her hand.  
  
Turning his head slightly, he kissed her hand before answering. "I was trying not to panic. My mind just kept coming up with all kinds of different things you might want to tell me. Most of them featured you telling me to get out of your life."  
  
"Harm, listen to me," Mac prompted, forcing him to look into her eyes. "That will never happen. Never, ever, hear me?"  
  
He took a deep breath. "Yes."  
  
She bent her head down for a kiss full of tenderness and love, before she said in a low voice, "Harm, I love you, I think I've always loved you."  
  
"You do?" Harm asked, dumbfounded, still trying to grasp it all. How could an innocent conversation with Mattie about the loss of her mother change his life for the better in such a drastic way? He certainly wasn't complaining, but it was hard to understand. After staring at her for a few minutes, letting his mind wander, he drew her to him, still astonished that she didn't resist when he placed her into his lap, engulfing her in a strong embrace. "I love you so much and I am not going to let you go again - ever," he muttered before he kissed her again.  
  
"I was counting on that," she smiled as they broke apart again. "But how are we going to tell Mattie and the admiral?"  
  
"Mattie will be thrilled, you know? She's the one who washed my head in the first place," he answered, "and the admiral should better get used to it. I will resign my comission if necessary, but I am not going to ever let you go again." With that, he wrapped his hands under her legs and stood up, carrying her to his bedroom best as he could. He knew that his back was going to kill him in the morning, but he couldn't care less as he carefully laid her on top of the sheets and joined her, the big smile gracing his face matching hers.  
  
The End. 


End file.
